This anguished letter was written by the recently ordained Church of Scotland minister, John Sym, from his parish at Sprouston near Kelso. It is addressed to his friend Reverend James MacFarlane in Greenock who is of similar age and may have studied with and who was later a prominent ecclesiastical figure. Both men were eventually involved in the Free Church breakaway of 1843. MacFArlane wrote about that in a book titled The Late Secession from the Church of Scotland which can now be had as Print on Demand.
In 1834, Sym became minister at Old Greyfriars Kirk in Edinburgh, an important position. The letter responds to criticisms of a sermon he has preached and, at great length, claims to reveal his own state of mind.
I had my
doubts; I wondered if at least some of the prose was what would now be called
performative and which in the past might have been called going through the
motions. A specialist familiar with the religious rhetoric of the period would be
able to assess more accurately. The letter was difficult to transcribe and words
which I could not make out are replaced by ellipses.
Transcription
Addressed
to: The Revd James McFarlane Revd Dr [John]
McFarlane’s Ardgowan Square
Greenock
Datelined:
2 Decr 1833
Postmarked:
KELSO DE 3 1833 transit or arrival postmark
DEC 4 1833
My dear
James
Never did
I sit down to address you with a heavier heart than I do this morning. To my
latest breath I will have reason to thank God for having raised up for me such
a friend as I find in you. Your last was truly a cordial and I thank God has
blest it to my soul. I am not sorry now – tho’ I was sorry that my
memorable Sunday nights Epistle had terrified you. Yours of the 9th
Novr. tho’ I dare say that it contained much wholesome truth was not so well
said as to have such an effect upon me as your last. I have not the least doubt
that your worst fears are well founded and that there is “an undercurrent of
pride in me” which threatens my destination at
the same time my mentioning my having “conducted” the service in St Enoch’s is
no proof of it. The use of such expressions is sometimes useful to remind
people of their own unworthiness – tho’ I confess the frequent use of
them is very dangerous. How pride crawls in! In regard to my conduct and state
of mind which ….. I have no doubt you are quite correct in what you say nay I
am sure you are. For a long while past I have been going back with now &
then a momentary appearance of rising. The great enemy of souls has been too
subtle for me or my own corruption too powerful. The Grace of God alone has prevented me going
down to hell. My dear friend I am a beast I should say a Devil – and the worse
that I feel so little of my sins. But blessed be God I have some desire for his
glory and since I got your letter this desire has been much greater so that on
Sunday I had much comfort & freedom and sincerity & earnestness in
prayer. The blood of Xt has
become more valuable to me and I am happier greatly happier & were it not
for Jeus Xt our thrice blessed Lord what would we do. & that I
might know him and love Him that I might be willing even to lay down my life
for him. ……. all things but … for the Excellency of the Knowledge of Xt .
Yes I have some hope that Xt will reveal himself to me in such
a way as to captivate my whole heart and so as enable me to tell my people how
good He is. This is my desire. Yes I am sure it is. Still in all likelihood I
have much to suffer. Let me then learn to forsake & hate all my iniquities
so that the Lord may be pleased to alleviate the…… horrors
of that discipline wh otherwise I will require. On the whole I am glad – for
your sake my dear friend, very glad – to say that I am in a much more hopeful
way. More anxious for Gods glory and more stirred up in prayer for my people
& that God would love them & hear my prayers & give me success.
Before I came among them I prayed that God would …. Me……. than a stranger to
them – favour in their eyes. You know in some degree how largely he has
answered this prayer. My prayer now is not that he would remove from me their
affection but much more that he would save their souls. My dear dear flock to
be cursed with such a wretch as me. When I think of it I could almost wish my
heart to break. Lord save thy people and bless their inheritance. ….. them also
and lift them up for ever”.
In regard
to the “notable people” who have been cutting up my sermon I love them, their
criticism has done me good. At first when I read this part of your letter I had
a feeling wh. I can not define as I can not recal it. Immediately however it
gave way to something like contempt (this word is too strong but I haven’t a
better) and indignation mixed. I thought they were wrong in their judgment and
most uncharitable in their conjectures – and in my heart I called them silly
coxcombs and thought they were heartless people and could not have profited by
the service of a communion Sabbath. But thank God all this has passed away and
now I love them – just because at this moment I am disposed to love all men. I
pray God to bless them & always to give them worthier preachers than me. I
am sorry I shd. have “displeased” any but am not surprized that I should have
“disappointed” more. If people will form high expectations of me I can’t help
it. I know they must be disappointed. Believe me I don’t desire popularity at
least I wish not to desire it. I would much rather have people admire Xt than me. He will never disappoint them. I
should be grieved to call away the hearts of people from the adorable Redeemer
to a sinful ….. wretch like myself. Help me to pray for this xxx and to …. the
cause of it. Your success rejoices me The Lord ever stand by & strengthen I
bless him for his goodness to you. Your letter to Moody
[?] I have by me still as I don’t
like to put him to a hostage without your leave. Shall I do it? I’ll not be
able to see him for some time. I believe I must go to London for a week or two.
I have been asked three different times and I don’t see how I can resist any
longer. I will write you again however soon. Excuse my crossing [cross writing]
& believe me with best regards to John [ Reverend Doctor John McFarlane] much
to … my most valued friend
Yours
faithfully John Sym
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